Adios, multiple Za's.

Some people have tough lives. Some people, because of those difficult lives become bitter. Other become stronger. You really have to admire those people. Most of the time, the only thing that makes them different then the bitter ones is, simply put, a positive outlook.

I don't really have that.

I'm a negative, negative person. I know it. I've somewhat even developped what seems to be a split persona. One side of me is pompous, arrogant, annoying, whiny, egomaniacal and frankly all and all a big fat jerk. Another side of me is quiet, uncertain, scared, unmotivated and without a smidgen of sefl-respect or self-confidence. Those two sides oppose each other and yet it is both those two sides that I always show to people. It's like a public face, a shell. But most of the time, people's public faces are supposed to be a glamorous version of themselves. Me it's a people repellant.

Always with the hard way.

I don't really enjoy being with any of those personas. Actually, now that I think back on it, in public sectors like my school or my job, I feel often out of place and stupid. I feel like everything I say is insipid. Basicly: I don't like these people who seem to be me. I feel out of place at school or work. It's ot because I can't relate to people. It's because I just won't. It's because these "evilzas" take over. Of course I feel out of place: I'm not actually there. Of course people flee me: I want to flee myself!

You're only as good as you present yourself to be.

Gosh, and I know I can be a good person too. I have this side of me that wants to smile and laughs and be cuddly and donate my time to be with people and to draw things for them. That's the side of me that wants to be a cartoonist. That's the side of me that loves walking in museums. That's the side of me that wears gingerbread-print pyjamas and makes happy-go-lucky humor to everything. That's the person I WANT to be 100% of the time when only 5% of the people I meet see this girl.  

Heck, my friend tama told me today people don't believe her when she describes the funny or odd things I do behind closed doors. 

I want the jerk and the low esteem girls out of my system!
I want to go out in the sun.
I want me back again. I want to see the me that invents stories about everything and loves to listend to people's stories. I want to be the me again that dosen't care if she doesn't have time to draw: she'll draw anyways!

I really, really want to be a better person.

Up to now i've composed a short list of things I feel I should keep and things I should improve.

Keep:
-Contact with people (through phone, email or journal) good.
-Humor (the good kind, ironic at the worse. No sarcasm anymore)
-Flashy colors.
-Comics
-Motivation into administration of the arts.

Improve
-STOP WHINING I'M ANNOYING!
-Less bossy, more suggestion.
-God, would it KILL me to smile?
-Ranting is not wholesome. Make drawings with bad energy instead.
-When I get up in the morning, do excercice instead of moping, get some good energy in the system.
-Eat more fruits.
-See more fun movies.
-Read more novels.
-Ask about people's days and do not inturrup them.
-Repeat after me: no, my life does not suck, dammit!
-Learn to want things, ask for them...And do what it takes to deserve them.
-Rent more books about art.
-Stop hesitating all the time.
-Huh....hug a widow?
-Physical contact with humans = good.
- Again, must get down with the smiling.
-Just say yes or no. No more "Yes, but..." It is, or it's not.
-Practice my english with tama so I pronounce stuff right.
-Finish a project. Even just  a short one.
-Don't see everyone as a friend or an ennemy. See them as people with interesting stories. 
-Thank people. (more)
-Stop being sorry for everything.
-Stand by your decisions.
-My parents do not rule my life. I do.
-If I screw up, I must take the blow.
-Don't just save the money. Classify my bank statements correctly and divide my budget more efficiently. 

etc...
I've got a long way to go, but a good attitude is always a good start. 
Also, I though of something. Usually when I cut my hair, I'm very giddy, like the evil is gone clean out of me. I think I should do something to myself, in order to mark the coming of this positive age. Like a mark, that will stay with me. A reminder of why I want to be better and how I should be. 

There's two scars on my body that are a constant reminder of why I hate men, and why I have built a wall to keep people out. It's time for me to put a mark on my body stating the contrary. I've been wanting to get a tattoo for a while and I think this is as good as a motivation to get one then anything else.

-Secondlina

p.s. Yes, the comments are disabled. I'm afraid a pity party might cluster, which I really don't want. I wrote this mainly for me and to state that things are gonna change. If you have something meningful to say, or a tattoo suggestion, send an email.